Who is 'Everybody', Anyway?

By Paula Puddephatt

They're told to watch X-factor, so they do.
They're atheists who married in a church.
They almost, nearly have a point of view,
And read the Daily Mirror, just like you.
Nine in Ten are like them, says our research.

She does the vacuum cleaning every day.
They'll have their second kid by thirty-five.
Ibiza is their favourite place to stay.
They buy and sell possessions on ebay.
They get drunk to remember they're alive,

Or maybe to forget. Well, they work hard,
So who could claim they haven't earned the right
To boozy Friday nights - in which they've starred
Since teenage years which left them battle-scarred?
They've savings, but will tell you "money's tight".

They went to Glastonbury for a laugh
Two years ago. Now they can say they've been.
He'll always drink a pint, and she a half.
He likes to wave his Man United scarf.
She "does the gym" to keep her body lean.

They download music now - don't buy CDs.
They like the bands that it is "cool" to like.
Her skirts do very nearly reach her knees.
She can still wear a Ten - but not with ease.
The Union tells him when to go on strike.

She must apply make-up before she can
Put out the wheelie bins. She has her pride.
They have their mortgage, and their Five-Year Plan.
She's in the garden, topping up her tan.
He likes his dead pig breakfast, duly fried.


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